I was born into a family that is in groups, that were and do never get on well for long. We used to be all able put up with eachother for alittle while and talk, depended on our moods, and when we reached the top of our tempers, we can get really nasty, some of us have hurt people when we got near that level, but as far as I know none of us has ever reached the top of tempers. I hope we never do.
I grew up with mostly nan taking care of me, Dee (mother *makes a face*) was always busy sleeping around with her many bf's. One day she had her Tarot cards out on the bed, I walked over to them, and remembered being told to not touch them, but being 4/5 I didn't pay much attention to it. So I picked a card up and as soon as I touched the cards it felt as if electric was running up and through me. I played with them looking at the pics on them and liking the feeling they gave me, when I heard Dee coming upstairs, I dropped the cards making sure they looked about the same, as if I'd never touched them; and ran over to a corner of the room, were she had told me to go when she wanted me out of the way. Which was almost all the time. She came in and started yelling about how much she hated everything about me, and wished I'd never been born. I began wishing that too, I didn't like the way she treated me and kept yelling. I had never done anything wrong, I was quiet and she told me I was bad for it, I said something and it was bad. She got angry at me, and I got afraid, she picked me up and shook me, I started crying as she was yelling in my face, telling me I must have came from hell because I was so bad. She got even more angry when she saw I was crying and done something new. She slapped me hard across the face, I was stunded that I seemed to freeze and not move. She conintued this new form of punishment from that day on.
One day we went to the beach with auntie Fran and my cousin Alex, Alex and I began playing in the ocean splashing eachother and enjoying ourselves, we weren't paying an attention to anything but how to splash and mess about with the other, I didn't see Dee coming up behind me untill I was too late, Alex and I had just walked to the edge of the shallow water and were looking down into the deeper water, when I felt a hand on my shoulder I looked up to see it was Dee, I froze and started getting worried, when she pushed me in right into the deeper water, and I couldn't swim but started trying to crawl back into shallower water but she didn't want me to, she pushed me under and held me under when I had come up again, she let me up every so often but then pushed me under again, I was panicing she was trying to kill, which she told me later on, she then just held me under that water and my vision became blurry, but a man came over and pulled her away and pulled me back up, he told me to go to the shore and I ran there, when I got back to shore I saw my auntie was still just sitting there, she hadn't tried to stop her; I couldn't believe it, then I looked up and the man's family were around me, a lady put a blanket around me and she was trying to calm me down, I guess she was making sure I didn't go into shock. When I looked over at Dee her and the man were shouting at eachother, then Dee came out of the water and I saw Fran get up and I noticed Alex was clinging to her, they picked everything up while I just sat there surround by strangers, the man came over and he and his wife looked at eachother, the man looked angry and she looked worried/angry and it looked like she was pleading with her eyes, he just shook his head and looked down at me and smiled, I just looked back not sure what was happening and what was going to happen when I got home, I knew I was going to get beaten for this, and I turned to look at Fran and Dee, they had everything together and were walking back towards the car park, I didn't know whether I should stay there with the people or go after them, I got up and ran after them, the family had started saying something to me and I just kept my head down and said I'd get in trouble if I didn't go with them and I thanked them for the blanket and gave it back to them, only to have them wrap it back around me, then I ran back to the car and was told to get in. When we got home after a very quiet car trip, I got beaten and blamed for that.
One day she joined a dating agency and started getting letters through the mail. She decided it was time I "done something useful", so she brought the mail up to the room and spread them out on the bed. She made me pick a letter for her to read first, some of these letters were decent while others were from men that mostly talked about how they wanted to fuck her. I was made to listen to all these and then afterwards, made to help her choose what guy she would date for that day. Yet no matter who I chose they were never the guy she did date, so I ended up just picking whoever was closest to me. She met a few guys that were really nice, kind, polite and caring, but she never chose them. Then she met this guy, Wayne, she seemed to fall for him. When I met him I didn't like him, I got a feeling that he was bad news, something that shouldn't be near people that were good and nice. When they told us they were getting married I tried to tell her I didn't like him, but all she done was pushed me out of the way, and I hit the door, she didn't care so I left the room and went back to waiting outside. When the photo's were taken I didn't want to be anywhere near them, I wanted to be anywhere but there. Wayne then started trying to "teach" me math, he gave me two lines of numbers, each line having over 10 numbers, he gave me about 5 minuets to answer them all, if I didn't he'd hit me around the head and tell me I was useless, dumb, and a waste of space, he used to stand over me watching my every move and tutting every so often so I started getting worried which led to panic. I used to try to tell him I couldn't but thanks to being hit and told I was dumb ect I was too quiet and mousey to say much, so all that did was earn me another thump. So I just sat there totally confused by the numbers and trying to do the sum when I didn't know how, Wayne had put it in tech lanuage and I wasn't allowed to ask questions. I had to do the "lessons" before dinner, dinner was a horror too, we always had lamb hearts, but sometimes for a "treat" we had kidneys, none of it was ever fully cooked, they were still bloody so you mostly had a mouthful of blood, every so often I would not eat them and was told if I didn't I would have nothing else to eat, when I did eat them I could never finish it, my mouth was mostly full of blood than meat. When I wanted to leave the table I asked but wasn't allowed to leave until they did, and when I said I needed to I still wasn't allowed to, no matter what I had to sit there, I wasn't even allowed to speak at the table most of the time after I had asked, even if my chair sqeeked it was my fault and got me a slap. I couldn't stay downstairs if I hadn't eaten, and if I had then as soon as I was allowed to leave, I was told to get a move on, I wasn't allowed to talk or see my grandparents. When I was thrown into my room I started learning how to open the door without making a sound, but I got caught a few times which I was beaten for, they even locked the door once or twice until my grandparents caught on and mdae them stop.
One night I was told to come into their room, they had just turned on a movie that looked new and different, Dracula, but I said nothing because if I did I was afraid of being beaten, they told me I was going to watch it with them as I couldn't sleep. When the gore started I started to get scared, I already had feelings that something was out in the night and this creature in this film came out at night looking for blood, I started thinking that might be what was out there and my seeing this might bring it closer this was a horrible thing, I turned round to the bed about to ask if I could go to my room and not watch it anymore, but I didn't get the chance to say a thing because there on the bed Dee and Wayne were having sex, so I said nothing and turned back to the film only to see the people on there were doing the same with the vampire, so I was stuck with watching that in the film and then it went back to the gore. Afterwards when I was back in my room I ran under the covers shaking, there was that feeling of something outside again, I asked if I could have a light on but they just laughed and said no, I was afraid of the dark and they knew it and after seeing that movie I was even more afraid, and that night I had my first of a years nightmare staring a blood crazed vampire that was after me. When I was at school Dee brushed my hair but she done that in a way that it hurt with every stroke, I told her it hurt the way she done it and she got angry and grabbed a pair of scissors an cut my hair off to about a 2 inch style and sent me to school like it, I blushed when people saw me and stared I wanted long hair, not short, I looked like a boy and from that day on I wasn't allowed it longer. When my school said they were taking us all swimming the next day I was alittle worried and didn't really want to go, I kept remembering when Dee had tried to drown me, but we were all still going to go, they then told us they wanted the parents to know what was going to happen.

When I got home and told them where we were going the next day, they got mad at it and threatened that I couldn't tell anyone anything and was beaten. The next day after I had got dressed into my bathing suit, I looked at myself, there were bruises on my arms and legs and some that were under where my suit covered, I didn't want to leave that room, I didn't want to let anyone see me dressed in something that showed my body all becuase I didn't want any questions or people to stare; but I knew I'd get in trouble if I tried to stay in there, so I wrapped my towel around me and didn't let anything but my hands show, I gripped the towel so tightly that my knuckles had gone white and when we were told to jump in I jsut stayed standing there looking at the water and clutching the towel tighter around me, the water looked the same way the sea had been quiet and only having tiny waves rippling on the surface, I couldn't move I was too scared, the teahcer came over to me and asked why I wasn't joining my class mates I just told her my voice alittle too quiet to be heard clearly that I couldn't, I started to cry then afraid the teacher would hit me, and when she raised her hand I flinched away but all she was doing was signiling to the other teacher to begin the lesson. She then took me into the back and down some stairs then up again and into a small hot little room were there was barely any noise from outside, unless the window was opened. She sat down on the many chairs that were in there and I stood waiting for her to yell at me, but all she done was asked me to sit down as well, she told me when I started feeling too hot that I should take off my towel, I was too hot so I did take off the towel and she gasped alittle, there were marks of hands on the top of my arms and lots of bruises some old and some new on my arms and legs, I looked at her and she looked a mix between angry, afraid and sorry, I looked back down and covered myself in my towel again the teacher seemed to take awhile to get back to normal and when she had I wondered if she would tell anyone, she then told me I could stay in the room until we had to go, I just nodded and sat there as she left. On the coach back I was made to sit near the teacher and hated it as everyone seemed to be laughing at me and making faces when I looked. When we got back to the school the teacher tried to get me to tell who had given me the bruises, and why, I didn't say anything about them just said I'd get in trouble if I told, so the teachers made me see a counsellor/nurse but I still said nothing, she said I sounded baby-ish in voice so I changed it made it deeper and alittle gruffer until it seemed to match me more, and I didn't see the lady again, the teachers gave up on getting anythign out of me so they called Dee and Wayne in, they were super mad at that and threatened the teachers and took me out of the school, and this happened 5 times in various schools. No matter what school I was in no-one liked me, I was called names and made fun of, the names they mostly used were "witches daughter" and "demon child or spawn" and every so often I was called dumb, those and other names I was called, one school I did talk to two girls and they called me "The panther" because when I was angry I would let rip on someone, like one boy said because I was a girl I couldn't play football one boy stood up for me and said I could have a go, the boy that had told me I could stood near the goal and said I wouldn't hit anything and that girls were dumb, only interested in dolls and make up, I got mad and kicked the ball in his groin and then the ball also hit the other goal, I just smirked at him and his friends and walked off. The boy never did make fun of me again and kept out of my way, I was pleased at that and just got on with the games I played and trying to plan my future, which was mostly (and is) studying hard and getting a good job, getting my own place and not getting married unless the guy was everything I wanted in a guy, and that was going to be my life, I wasn't going to give up on my life for anyone else (and still aren't going to). Dee started teaching me sex moves and other thigns to do with that, she took me adult shopping with her and made me help her choose what to get and explained what they were used for. Once or twice she would beat me before Wayne came home, once she beat me till I was crawling awya from her, crying and saying over and over again "no, please stop" but she wouldn't unless she thought I'd had enough, which sometimes she ended it with a kick into the bed or just a kick that left me on the floor curled into a ball crying and in pain, wishing it would stop. I got angry once when at home and without touching her pushed her down the stairs, I don't know how or anythign and haven't been able to do that again but I somehow did manage it then, I remember something being there helping me but it wasn't truely there. Every school went to was christien, I wasn't christien and didn't believe in him (still don't and aren't), and in one school they used to punish those who didn't listen to it by making them stay in the chruch and listen to more until you could say what you had just been told. The boys used to enjoy making girls scream and I liked seeing it too, in one school we had "pet" frogs, the boys used to get a frog and put it down a girls back and watch them scream and jump around laughing I loved seeing that and I laughed too, one boy tried to make me scream by telling me to hold one I held it and stroked down it's back smiling, one boy shivered and I had to hold back a laugh, a girl came up behind me and called me a freak and I got angry and said sorry to frog and then put it down her top she screamed and ran around trying to get it off, when it did come off she was stilling yelling and crying, I was crying too from laughter as were the boys, I got taken to the principals for that but I didn't care and payed no attention to them, I was fed up with being treated badly by people like her. One night after not being allowed to eat anything because I wouldn't eat lamb hearts, I snuck downstairs to my grandparents, they gave me some food and saw some of my bruises, Dee and Wayne came down then and yelled at me and ordered me back up to my room, I quickly ducked out the door and ran upstairs, when in my room I could still hear them yelling at eachother. Dee and Wayne came up and "told me" off, and as always I cried myself to sleep. That morning I was told to choose between my grandparents and them, I said I needed to think about it but I didn't really I just wanted to not be seen and glared at, I thought it through and knew if I stayed with Dee and Wayne I would be put in a home for children, the worst one they could find as they had told me so themselves, so I chose my grandparents, and when I told them all they seemed happy and smield at me, I smiled back but stopped quickly as Dee and Wayne were glaring and said they had better sort out some paper work then, when I went back upstairs they threatened me and beat me for the last time, I was told if I told anyone even them what had happened and they got in trouble for it I would disappear for good, and noone could stop them. They moved away a few times but always came back, Dee got pregnant and had a few children while here, then they finally moved away for good, up to Scotland. I started asking about my dad before Dee left and about finding him, I got told he had raped Dee so I gave up on that. I went back to one of my old schools when I was with nan and granddad, but for me to get in we had to swear Dee and Wayne would never come to the school again, we did and I was back in one of my old schools, unfortunatly it was the school that used to punish you for not listen to the bible readings. Nan got report cards through and noticed something wrong with them, they never changed, she asked what happened at school and I told her that most of the time I had to take a heavy T.V set up to the Pre-school and stay there till they were done with it then take it back down the hill and go back to lessons, but when I came back lessons were almost over, and when I didn't have to take the T.V. up I was ignored in class, the teacher only said that some students would make nothing with their lives, that they just weren't that smart, but nan didn't believe that so she took me out of school and started home schooling me. The education board came round and were shocked as I was getting top marks, they tested me and said I acted mature and wasn't as the teacher had said, and when I told them I was planning on going to college and getting to good job they were pleased and wished me luck and said if I worked at that like I had on this then I would make it, I was happy to hear that. I then met a guy called Matt, he had a brother called Tom, Matt and I became friends and both wanted a good life, I told how mine had started and he helped me by teaching me a curse that didn't get back on you but still got at them, I done that and it worked a treat. One day I was going off to visit Matt at his home, when I got there Tom came to the door and said he had just gone out for a second but I could wait inside, he'd be back soon, I thanked him and came inside, we sat down in the frontroom and waited, I looked around the room at first and saw Tom staring at me I got alittle worried and freaked at how he was staring at me, I didn't like it, I got up and was about to say I'd wait outside when Tom got up and walked over to me saying about how silly Matt was, I didn't say anything and Tom stroked my cheek I was totally terrfied and started backing away from him, he smirked and I backed away faster only to have my back hit the wall, he laughed and I looked to see where the door was but before I could move toward it he had me pinned to the wall and was kissing me, he then started pulling at my clothes and I was trying to get him off me but it did no use he was stronger then I was and I started crying I heard my top rip and Tom laugh alittle, and I shut my eyes crying, when I felt Tom dragged off and I fell to the floor. When I looked up I saw Matt had hit his bro and shoved him in a room and locked the door, I looked at my top and it was now showing most of my chest, but I didn't know what to do so I just left it and Matt helped me up, and helped me to the door grabbed the keys to the car that he'd dropped when he had come back in, and helped me into the back of the car, and I passed out. Matt's bro left home a few days later and then later in the year moved to another country, Matt soon followed which made me sad. I went to college, which I was scared of at first but that didn't stop me, I started a starter course and met a guy and girl there, the guy was a fun loving gay and the girl a US usaully happy and relaxed girl, we all talked during our breaks and we managed to stay one happy little group we were the freaks and outcasts of the course, but we all just thought every course had them it was us this time in other courses someone else would be. That guy had many troubles in his life and I wanted to help, so I done all I could I gave him a freindly face, a shoulder to cry on and a person that would listen to whatever he had to say. He left the course a month before it was over because of a death in the family and he sank farther into depression, we kept in contact with him for awhile but then after awhile we stopped hearing from him. But me and Bug stayed friends and spent time together during breaks ect at college and listened to eachothers troubles. A boy on the course hated anyone not totally English so he picked on Bug and then on me, he threw thigs at us and kicked me in the back of the leg every so often, he got kicked off the course. I got a bf and didn't tell a soul, we broke up soon after though and he got angry, got his friends together in a town I was in trying to find some good books to read before I had to meet up with a friend, they came up to me and said they wanted to talk I went with them, we left the town till we were on the outskirts, then I saw him come out and he told me I had two choices go back to him or not, I chose not to and he got angry and slapped me around the face, then his friends grabbed me and held me still and he hit me again saying how dumb I was to let him go, then he stopped and walked over to the car and one of his other frineds hit me to the floor, then they left me there bleeding and bruised, they called a friend of mine and told them to come and get me and told them where I was, then drove away quickly, my friends told me to not bother telling anyone as it would be pointless in the end and it would take them ages to prove it ect, so I didn't. I never told anyone what had happened to me, and when at college someone told me I had to go see a counsellor, I saw her and started to tell her my past, trying to get over all I've been through and heal some of the old wounds, and I was starting to get depressed. We, Bug and I finished that course, and started looking for a new one, I chose business and she chose art. We are still friends. I found The Realm, and joined up started talking to people with the same interests and met a guy that seemed different, a kind of bad boy, I liked him for that and I found out he liked me back, so he became my bf and me his gf. I knew I didn't really love him, and then a guy came along and I fell for him almost immedately, he liked me back the same way, and I broke up with my bf and went with the new guy I truely thought I loved. We started planning our lives, he wanted me to have a job and everything else I wanted to do, I was so happy, he was great. Then one day at college I got word that he was dead and my heartbroke, the girl I had been talking to noticed I was crying and asked why, I told her and she took me away from there while I was crying, and so I went back to class crying, brokenhearted and suicidal, then I found I could still sense him. A few friends began helping me find out what was happening and we found out he was still alive, but then alittle later none of us could sense nor see him, and that only means one thing, he is dead. So I went back to my old bf, I thought I owed him something but I still didn't love him, and a few friends said I was making a HUGE mistake, but I didn't listen. My uncles died, and then my pet cat died. I then had a demon set on me, and a guy I know took it away and helped me. I talked and started to get lessons from the demon boy, and then relised I liked him, I think it's true friendship, and we are the same exactly the same, expect he's a boy and I'm a girl, I am bonded to many people and care about every single one. I am told I'm a wonderful person but I barely believe that, but I'm now starting to.

Later on, I'd had 7 bf's all of whom beat me up or lied to me or cheated on me and I found out I didn't love Jorden as much as I thought. I had started seeing my past by this time and noticed a certain guy, he seemed amazing to me, perfect for me in everyway. But this was a past life, I sensed this was the reason why I had come back and it was what I had been searching for all along.
As time went on life became even harder, my grandparents and me started getting alittle worse with eachother. We were starting to drift apart, I hated the fact and tried to think of ways of bringing us all back together. But all my ettempts on doing anything was being ignored and it got even worse.
I started wanting space between me and my grandparents and locked myself away in my room, only writing poetry and coming out only for food, a good movie with them or to go on the computer. I started getting more and more depressed, I took a test after being asked to do so thousands of times, I took the depression test and it came back with serverly depressed and rounnd about shouting that I needed help quickly before I done something stupid. I printed the test and showed it to my grandparents, they didn't believe it and said it wasn't true, that they'd have noticed and seen it. I was seeing a cousellor at the time, but it wasn't enough. I started feeling worse and more and more lonely, my hope on finding the things I came to find was fading fast.
I visited the doctor in the end after I was fed up with trying to prove to my nan that I was actually depressed and was a cutter. The doctor gave me pills that were meant to deal with the depression, they instead made it worse. I got more suicidal than I was before. I told the doctor, he gave me more pills saying these would help. I was so depressed and suicidal I saved the pills up. I was given so many pills for it and I saved each one planning on killing myself with them, after noticing they could send me into a coma and then kill me.
So I started planning out how to kill myself. I joined a website called Chatango and met quite a few good people. I met this one guy called Lustdemon, I found out his real name was Felix and expected me to make jokes about his name, I never did. I liked his name and something about him had me hooked from the first time I spoke with him, I felt a connection, but I was still servely depressed and wanted to die. I kept thinking no-one loved me, cared or wanted me around that much, I wanted to die so much. I thought none would stop me from killing myself and I wouldn't be missed and I wasn't needed or wanted.
Felix and I grew closer and closer, we had known eachother before and he seemed prefect, when talking to him I seemed to be able to let out what was wrong with me and feel a tiny bit better. Then when I came offline I was smiling because I had spoken to him, I gave him my mobile and landline numbers and we spoke on there at times. But every time it seemed I had gotten off of talking to him, my nan or something would ruin it and make my depression and need to kill myself worse. I knew by the second week of speaking to felix again that I loved him more than I had anyone before, I was still depressed though, it just wouldn't go even though I loved someone.
One day I was talking to felix and others online when my nan came in the room, she started moaning and complaining that I was doing everything wrong and was messing up. I felt so bad, she ended up saying I failing badly in her eyes and was going to land up like all other members of the family, I was so upset to hear this that as soon as she left I just laid my head on the desk and started crying lightly, I then looked at the screen and saw I had messages from people, I mainly looked at felixs. I then changed my status to "I'm leaving for good now, I only fuck up" and told felix I had had enough and was going to use the pills I had saved up then turned off the chat before any could message me back and then turned off the computer. I walked towards my room I was actually going to do it, I had finally had enough, the things I'd been looking for weren't really noticing me or anything, the guy I loved was one of the things I'd been looking for, he was the reincranate of the man I'd loved before.
I got out all the pills I'd hiden, locked my room door, turned on loud music "Snuff- Slipknot". I looked and counted every pill to make sure I had enough. I went downstairs, got a knife and a bottle of drink, when I was back in my room my phone started ringing, I picked it up out of habit, it was felix. He sounded so worried and scared, so much more than I'd ever heard or thought possible. I was shocked but so happy, someone actually cared, but it wasn't really enough for me, I wanted to be loved, I wanted him to love me, but I thoguth he wouldn't. Who would ever want someone so beaten down with so many scars and hurts that was so depressed and ugly. He started asking if I was ok and to tell him what was wrong, I put the phone down after asking him to let me die. He kept ringing back about 20 times due to eithr my putting the phone down or his signal going or mine. I ended up breaking down into tears while he was talking to me and saying stuff like "I just can't deal with this felix, its too hard and no-one seems to actually care or love me" he said he loved me and cared, and I just stood there speechless for 5 minutes then asked if he was being honest and he said yes. I was so surprised I wasn't sure what to say I was too happy to say anything really. He managed to save me that night, we stayed up almost all night for him to save me from killing myself, and he did right up till 4 in the morning.
The next day I was kind of looking forward to going online, but I hadn't got rid of the pills. I was keeping them just incase things got bad again. When I went online and felix came online and we talked more, me thanking him and asking if he actually meant what he had said. I asked to see a picture of him, and he seemed to really hate how he looked and wasn't sure on whether or not to show me a picture. But in the end he showed a picture using facebook, and I showed him a picture of me. I didn't get why he thought he looked bad, to me he was handsome and good looking, but just said I thought he looked good to me but he wouldn't accept it. Yet he called me beautiful. We got closer and wanted to meet eachother in real life, to see eachother what the other looked like etc.
So we started planning it. When it was the day before he came down I was so excited I got everything ready that night and he rang me to talk to me before we both went to sleep. I could tell he was still wondering if I was going to get bored of him or not like him and I was the same with him.
The next day I did all my lessons, finishing everything up but my mind was on him completely, I was looking forward to it so much. I'd planned the place where I'd meet him a joke shop that I knew well. While waiting for him I hid behind a wall at the back of the shop I stood there reading a book, waiting for his clal saying he had arrived. He rang and I couldn't stop smiling, I told him where I was and he tried to find it, got lost a few times and then asked some people for help. He had went passed the place a few times, when he got to the front of the shop I put the phone down. I suddenly felt very nervous, I wondered if I looked ok if maybe I should have done a few other things, but it was too late now. He came to the back of the shop, saw me and as soon as he did hugged me tightly, I smiled it was a odd thing to do when he'd only just met me but I was glad for it, I hugged back. We looked round the shop alittle then headed off, hand in hand most of the time, he needed to get some shorts apparently and food.
We then after getting a sandwhich for him headed for a park still holding hands, I was so happy to have finally met him and he was around for 3 days, yet sad it was only for 3 days. We sat in the park, all the time when I didn't have to concentrate on where I was going I was looking at him and when I did have to concentrate I was glancing at him out the corner of my eye. We sat in park for several hours, we were ging to go watch a movie but I didn't want to leave the park, it was great there, just him and me with the shade and him relaxing in the sun and shade. I loved the way he looked, embarressed and yet happy. We hugged and cuddled there till it was close to the time I had to head off to college for nan to pick me up, I hadn't told her it was a guy off the web, I just said I was hanging out with a friend for a while.
When we headed back towards the college and I hated the fact we had to part ways there, I had to go to the college grounds and he had to go check in to the place he was staying at. I hugged him tight and he hugged back, we stayed there awhile before both of us letting go and heading towards the places we had to go. We both looked back at eachother as well and that made me smile more, I hadn't stopped smiling all the time we had spent together and neither had he. I noticed at one point as he was walking away he raised his arms like wings and that made me laugh, I was half tempted to go after him so we could hug again but he did need to check into the hotel etc, so I didn't. I got hit on whenn I got back to the college and texted felix that I was worried about them, they'd looked down my top when they stood over me. He offered to head back to keep me safe but I said no that my nan would be there soon and it'd be hard to explain it to her without her getting angry or annoyed.

We met up for the second date in a park nearer my house, where we shared our first kiss. I actually couldn't have been happier, it was funny in a way due to him making the comment that I was a good kisser when I'd never kissed anyone that way before.
We had our third date there at the same place and met up with my other members of the family. Dwayne my biological father and my cousin Becky. We all went to my auntie Frans, had drinks there and all talked. The dog that was there, his name was Fellow kept jumping up at me and making me play with him, felix seemed to enjoy seeing that.
My family life started getting worse, I went for bike ride passed in a field, texted felix he rung back instantly, but wasn't completely sober at the time and out with some friends. They ended up making fun of me, which made me kind of mad and then alittle upset and hurt. Felix was able to tell when he got his phone back that I was upset and hurt by what had happened and went nuts and put the guy that had rang me in a headlock and wouldn't let him go until he said sorry. I got called again and accepted the sorry but felix wouldn't listen so the phone had to be handed over and I had to tell him to stop myself, which he did after awhile. Then got out of the van, found some other friends that seemed niver in another bar he went in and was talking to them. He then rang me to tell me he was ok etc. He got very drunk that night and tried ringing again but my phone had died so I didn't get the call.
Then we planned him visiting me at home to meet my grandparents after him and me telling them we're going out. He visited for about 3 weeks, I loved it completely. We ended up in the same bed almost every night after the first night, it seemed no-one even cared about it. We watched movies, talked and he on the 25th night proprosed. I said yes butwe told no-one in real life we were, just some online friends. We had to go into town at one point to get the morning after pill and go swimming. All of that was sorted and felix got some condoms to stop it from happening again then went swimming. A lady there complained at us that we were too close together, everyone else shook their heads, felix and I did what she said to make her leave us alone and he went back to swimming. We spent awhile there then waited for my nan to pick us up due to me having a panic attack of sorts, my vision was messed up to hell and I couldn't move much etc. Nan picked us up after it was explained to her, was alittle annoyed but when she saw how bad I was she was fine with it and tried helping me. I felt better that night, luckily.
He went home and we kept in touch everyday. We both loved eachother so much, we'd already given ourselves to the other fully and didn't regret a thing. My family life started getting even worse as time went on, and the thoughts I had before came back, but this time I wasn't giving in without a fight. I told felix things were getitng bad again and he told me to keep him informed on what happened.
One night, nan and me had a arguement, they mentioned Fran, who was banned from mention along with with my cousin for breaking up all the family and sending threats. I stood on the stairs because they kept moving around and wanted to keep out of the way, nan and I were still fighting. She came onto the stairs and I had enough and started walking up the stairs, she followed and I was by my room fighting with her while she was on the top of the stairs. They said I'd brought up fran and I arued I hadn't, G'dad got angry and ran up the stairs, hit nan into the wall but didn't even look, came over to me, riased his fist like he was going to hit me right in the face, I winced and flinched away alittle shutting my eyes slightly, but stood my ground and looked him in the face as he shouted at me, then put on a cool look showing nothing. Nan pulled him away after he'd stood there, arm raised teling me how crap I was and was nothing but a lying two faced bitch just like every other member of the family. When he'd been pulled away I went into my room, locked the door tightly and texted felix what had happened, he rang and tried to help me calm down etc, I had before already felt depressed and was heading for suicidal. I told felix that I stayed here for much longer and I wouldn't be able to deal it that I was close to snapping. He started saying how I could live with him, but wasn't sure if I could or not and how he would be down in a shot to get me out of there faster than they could stop us, I was surprised but loved his response.
Things kept going like that, felix and I trying to figure out if I could move in with him. Tried to get a apprenticeship in wales near felix, but it didn't work. They said they didn't have nor do apparenticeships so felix and I gave up for then.
Later on things got even worse and I was talking to a guy that kept calling me sister and adopted me as his little sister which cheered me up. Things then started turning for the better, in some ways, felix went back to university and studying hard and I left college an began looking for work. I tried another apprenticeship but got no response, then got moaned at by my nan saying I'd fucked things up, that I should have went back to college. That I was ruining my life and making a big mistake. I tried explaining it was a good idea due to I would earn money and get training, but nan didn't listen. Then when I'd mentioned felix and I being together she called me a slut among other things. That did hurt me and I hated the fact I had to hide things from her, like being engaged and planning on moving away to Wales.
In the end I snapped, I told her I was engaged and that I planned a holiday type trip to Wales to see felix but I wasn't sure how long I'd be there, she started glaring saying I was leaving her and not doing what I'd promised to do while growing up. To stay there with nan and help her, get a good job and help run the house and was leaving her to have no-one to talk to. Emotional black of a high degree, I felt aweful and told felix what she'd said along with my brother. They both said to ignore her and try to make her see I would keep in contact when I could. In the end she seemed to come around, she took me into town, bought me a new suitcase, ticket which she wanted paid back and I topped up my mobile. She made sure I was all set and ready to go the next day, I was thankful for the help and even more thankful she'd helped me even though she knew she may not see me in quite some time.
I'd never been that far away from her and the thought made me slightly worried, I got my train and had to wait 4 hours for the next train to Wales, I was stuck in the middle of London waiting for a train I was insanely early for. I bought myself a book and kept getting called from felix and nan, they were checking up on me and I was kinda grateful for that. I read the book and talked on the mobile while eating a sandwich nan had packed for me.
When the train finally got there I noticed I'd waited alittle too long and hurried to the plat form it was at and had to hurry towards the front where my seat was. I missed this train and I was in trouble, but I made it just in time. I thought back over the journey I'd talked to other french people, learnt more about them along with a few laughs, got a great book to read, but, the one mistake I had made, to leave my drink and food in the suitcase. I was feeling too giddy to get up and go get them so I left them and chose to suffer instead. I was more happy because this was the last train I had to take to get to him.

When I got to the train station where felix was waiting I just walked quickly to where my suitcase was due to some guy getting them hooked up together somehow. Felix knocked on the trains window but I ignored it and waited so I could get off the train. Felix walked infront of me and I got him to drag my suitcase off the train after I'd got my hug. He had a friend standing next to him as well, Justice, a guy back then. Turned out his girl friend had been on the same train and same carriage as me, what a coincedence that was, so I got to meet Justice and his girl friend, but my mind was more on felix than anything else. I wasn't really sure how long I was going to stay, whether for good or not, due to felix not being too sure if he wanted that or not.
So I stayed and was planning on staying till he asked me to go. I wasn't on the pill or anything and he used no protection either due to both of us not liking it, so I had the chance of getting pregnant, I was going to get the morning after pill but it was left too late. Felix started freaking out and worrying alot, I started thinking one of the people were right and I shouldn't have done that, that it was a mistake and I should kill it before its born and ruins his and my life. But I couldn't do that, I'd feel like I'd murdered someone.
Felix ended up seeing how strang my eyes were in that time, how they went, green, ice blue, darker blue, silver and almost black, and sometimes if someone looks close enough at the right time they'll see cat slits in the black, only being seen due to them having golden colour round it.
In the end I asked after 3 weeks whether he wanted me to go or what due to getting two different answers every so often, he said he didn't want me to go and I was happy because I didn't want to go either. So I changed where I sign on to Wales and made sure all of that was sorted out etc.
So I was now living with him, he was cutom making my engagment ring and I was helping him work hard. His grandfather had just died and he was upset. His mother already nuts started getting even worse, she started ringing him everyday and I had to pretend I wasn't there and be completely silent like I didn't exist. She hated me being there, thinking I'd distract him from working and ruin his future. She needed and wanted complete control and I wasn't someone that ever lays over and plays dead for no-one, I fight and it had started rubbing off on felix. He was starting to get a backbone, I was so glad about that, but didn't like the fact she kept on and on ringing. It was starting to annoy me to death, I told Felix and he was upset about it but he accepted it in the end. Others told him to stand up to his mother and tell her to stop controling his life and let him go, but he said he'll do it later on, when she's gotten over her fathers death. We all agreed.
He left for the funeral and his mother had found out I was here and told him to send me back to nans place because I couldn't stay there, we ignored her. He was away and I was scared I'd lose him to his mother. I spoke to my online sister and brother and all my friends and they helped me, he talked to me online and we had a talk and made sure the other was ok. Then his mother would turn off the internet connection making him leave.
When he came back our children threw a surprise online wedding for us both and we got remarried online on the 21st. I loved it and so did Felix, our children got to see us married along with friends. The rest is left to be seen. I'll put more when more happens.